“Hooked on Yarn & High Drama”
Darling, crochet is not just a hobby. It’s not even a craft. It is a personality disorder in soft-focus lighting. And like any glorious descent into madness, it starts with a single innocent trip to the yarn aisle…Of course I blame my friend Simon…
You say to yourself: “Oh I’ll just make a cute little scarf.” The next thing you know you’re sobbing into your third cup of herbal tea at 2am, surrounded by balls of yarn that all claim to be “chunky” but apparently have wildly different definitions of self-worth.
Let’s talk about the glamour, the chaos, and the full Camp Couture Catwalk that is crochet life.
What’s the first Rule of Crochet Club….Learn to bloody count!
Top 5 Truths About Crochet That Will Make You Question Reality
1. Counting? Never heard of her.
You think you’ve done 30 stitches. You count 30 stitches. Then 31. Then 29. Then somehow 33 and a half.
Your project was a rectangle, now it’s a rhombus with commitment issues. That’s not a mistake, darling—it’s abstract geometry chic. So go with it, its not a mistake if you say thats how you wanted it to turn out.
2. Your yarn stash will outlive you.
You’ll say, “I’m just getting a skein or two.” Next minute you’re in a dark alley whispering, “You got any of that discontinued shade of mustard DK?”
You hide it from housemates, partners, the dog. You say it’s “for future projects.” Future who? For your next life?
3. Patterns are basically witchcraft.
“SC in BLO of ch2-sp from prev rnd. Rep from * until you cry.”
I don’t know if I’m following a pattern or decoding ancient crochet runes from a gay warlock.
Eventually, you yeet the pattern and just “vibe it.” It turns out wonky. But iconic. When I talk about stitches to Normies (Non Magical Crochet Folk) They don’t hear me say the sentence “Chain One and then do 4 Double Crochets into Magical Circle…They hear Plinky Plonky Ziggle Zaggle Woopsie Pop Woople Bom…Yes, I am a Witch.
4. The Crochet Vortex Is Real.
You sit down to do just one row. Suddenly it’s three hours later, your tea is cold, you’ve missed dinner, and you’re emotionally attached to a ball of mohair called Sebastian.
You don’t crochet time. Time crochets you.
5. Frogging is a violent but necessary spiritual practice.
Frogging = “rip it, rip it” = unravelling hours of work while contemplating your life choices.
It’s like a breakup with yarn. It’s painful. Cathartic. There will be tears. But you come back stronger, sassier, and with better tension. It’s also a great exercise if you’re a perfectionist, once again it reminds you who is in charge. The Yarn…Always The Yarn!
Chris’s Top 5 Tips for New Crocheters Who Want to Be Fabulous & Functional:
1. Accept your first project will be tragic.
Like your first crush or your first drag name—it’s supposed to be a disaster. Own it. Frame it. Call it “textured.” Tell people it’s conceptual.
2. Use stitch markers. Use ten. Then twenty.
Seriously, put them everywhere. If you run out, tie bits of spaghetti to your work. You laugh now, but I’ve crocheted sideways into the void. Don’t be me.
3. Follow a hot gay crocheter on YouTube.
Because when someone with amazing eyebrows and glitter nails explains “front post double treble crochet,” suddenly it all makes sense. Plus, the commentary is fierce.
4. Create a “yarn budget” and ignore it immediately.
The budget is a lie. The yarn is soft. That’s all that matters. Don’t worry about groceries. You can’t eat yarn, but you can wear it.
5. Join the queer crochet underground.
Yes, it exists. We’re out here: crafting in cafés, hosting stitch ‘n’ bitch brunches, and posting chaotic reel content at 3am. Find us on Insta and TikTok. Slide into my DMs at @ChrisOHanlonCrochets and tell me how many stitches off your last project was.
Crochet isn’t just a craft—it’s an identity.
It’s queer. It’s cathartic. It’s full of colour, curse words, and camp. And honestly? It saved my sanity.
So whether you’re brand new or have been hookin’ for years—I see you, I love you, and I want to hear about your latest yarn catastrophe.
Now go forth, you fabulous little stitch demons, and create some chaos with love and glitter.
Main Image with thanks to Surene Palvie www.pexels.com
